Etty wrote during her final years in Amsterdam (1941-1943), before electing to accompany her parents and brother to a transit camp in the Netherlands. She was forcibly deported to Auschwitz where she died.
What resonated most deeply with me were the inner struggles Etty faced head-on. A couple quotes give you a sense of this capacious woman:
"Sometimes I had the certain if rather undefined feeling that I would 'make it' one day, that I had the capacity to do something 'extraordinary', and at other times the wild fear that I would 'go to the dogs' after all. I now realise why. I simply refused to do what needed to be done, what lay right under my nose. I refused to climb into the future one step at a time." (Hillesum, 14)
Isn't that each of us, at one time or another -- yearning for the possibilities of the future yet refusing to take the next step? Etty captures that universal sentiment in her words. This next quote has been rattling around my thoughts and intentions for the past week. Towards the end of her diary on July 12, 1943, Etty writes:
"The jasmine behind my house has been completely ruined by the rains . . . But somewhere inside me the jasmine continues to blossom undisturbed, just as profusely and delicately as ever it did. And it spreads its scent round the House in which You dwell, oh God . . And I shall bring You all the flowers I shall meet on my way, and truly there are many of those. I shall try to make You at home always. Even if I should be locked up in a narrow cell and a cloud should drift past my small barred window, then I shall bring you that cloud, oh God, while there is still the strength in me to do so." (Hillesum, 152)
God comes and abides in me so let my heart be as hospitable and beautiful a dwelling as it can be. Often, I feel the urge to try harder and do better, to become more pleasing to God. In reality, God is already here, dwelling within me. Instead of trying harder, let me clear out the clutter of the habits and bitterness I hoard in the rooms of my heart. Let me make space for light to dance across the walls and joy to turn across the floor. Thank you, Etty, for reaching across the decades to share your wisdom with this traveling soul.